This evening

There are four people waiting downstairs to see me. Friends. But I can't go downstairs. I can feel an enormous pressure throughout my head. I don't want to see anyone when Im like this. I guess Im having a bad moment.

Sveta's comment, that got deleted, was along the lines of " well, if you have sex with the Gardener then it will be out of your system and you can just get on with your life". Except Sveta didn't put it quite like that.

But Im glad to see that everyone remains as judgemental as ever....lol

Bea is turning into a thoughtful, intense person. She is full of emotion. She reads constantly, is slow to make friends, is still small for her age, is artistic and creative and has a quiet confidence about her.

Hector remains a terrorist, though now he is bigger hes simply more destructive. But he will be fine, he has a sense of right and wrong and when he does wrong, knows it and apologises for it. In his way. he brims with life, cant walk, can only run, is very sporty and physical but...say this softly, possibly more academic than Bea.

I hardly see them. This is the sad reality. They live 2 hours away. I have one day a week when the pub is closed and often there are meetings on that day. I try and God knows I want to try more but Im so...tired. Is that an excuse for failing your own children? That you are tired? Its pathetic. 

I need to regularise my relationship with them. Beatrice knows and understands how I am. Our relationship is good. Hector views me as a curiousity. Our relationship is mutually cautious.

Comments

[Jenny]

Don't be too hard on yourself. I haven't seen my son awake in almost 48 hours and I'm the custodial parent. You do what you have to do and hope the kids eventually understand.

You'll get there. Hopefully, I will, too.

[Stephen]

I am sure that you will, Jenny. :)